There is light.

 I've started so many posts in the last few months. But none made it to light. In fact, they are all saved as drafts, staring at me every time I log in. Partly because I wasn't very positive in them, in fact most of them are simply rants, feelings of frustration and self-pity. So, they won't be brought to light, because the last thing this world needs is someone else feeling sorry for themselves. However, I am happy to report I am feeling better. A trip to Washington was much needed and definitely helped my mental state, even if we were sick 80% of the time. I came back feeling much better, funny how family will do that for you, so I am grateful for that. I still miss my grandma, I always will. It's just that it's not all consuming now.

So now for more news, because I haven't actually published anything since July. We have been in the trailer now for a little over 4 months. The end of the summer was a mess, a huge part of me wants to paint this beautiful chaotic picture of ice cream and sunsets and all the things moving in the heat of the summer brings. But honestly, last year was one of the hardest years of my life. Don't get me wrong, there were beautiful moments of walks by the rivers and yes, ice cream and Friday night pizzas. But the fear planted in my heart from the years events weighed on me heavily. The shooting that happened while we were at the fair has brought up a lot of anxiety for me, crowds now make me more nervous, and I find any loud bang makes my heart pound and adrenaline explode into my veins. Even just writing about it my heart rate picks up a little. I know it will get better, but from other events of last year and several health challenges I have faced... Well, let's just say i'm looking forward to a better year lol

We had two months of being here with grandma before she passed, and in her last week she was in great spirits. Playing and enjoying my kiddos, she even made dinner for us twice which was a treat. I got to make her favorite cookies with her, and I sat next to her holding her hand and just visited. I will cherish that time for my whole life. The weeks since then have seemed so chaotic, the year ended fast and I'm grateful for a fresh start. The day she passed I had left for Washington, to look at a piece of property. Somehow through all the sadness, God had made a beautiful way forward for us. I mean honestly, this property is amazing, and everything in our lives have worked out to make a way for all of this to happen. I really can't believe it's even happening. 

When I look at the last year and a half of our lives, I see how God's hand was in every moment, every decision, every uncontrollable variable. From us making the decision to get out of debt, to deciding to buy the house we were living in, to the union allowing Landon to take his journeyman test 8 months early, to deciding to sell that home and live in a trailer and being close to grandma, to finding the perfect property. Honestly every step looking back was laid out for us even if we couldn't see what was happening at the time. I am humbled by it all, he orchestrates life so beautifully and I am just in awe by it all. I know we still have far to go but I feel so peaceful about just leaving it in God's hands and knowing everything will be okay. 

So that's about it. Life for the last year all in a nutshell. It's not easy, but there is so much beauty to be seen, even in the pain. What an honor to love someone so deeply that you miss them this much. What an honor it was to be loved by her, to have been her granddaughter, to have been taught so many life lessons by her. She was a rock my whole life, and I was blessed to have her. Hold the one's you love tight; say I love you way too much. Sing, dance and laugh with them as much as possible. Put in that extra effort, I promise you, you will be thankful for that someday. 

"Happiness is not a goal. It is a by-product of a life well lived."

-Eleanor Roosevelt